While the winter holidays are over for now, it is still pertinent to still discuss the idea of differing expectations for special events (especially considering Valentine’s Day is still on our horizons)!
I would define this as one person expecting a certain outcome based on preceding events and another person expecting a different outcome. A subsequent argument, disagreement, or family dysfunctional behavior then follows.
A good example may be family holiday traditions. This can be everything from the food you all traditional eat together to the place you gather in to the financial expectations of what everyone is required to spend. Traditions are actually another good example of family homeostasis. When that homeostasis is disrupted, the family system will try to correct it.
This can mean that a lot of dysfunctional behaviors come out such as belittling the person who broke tradition, being mean to them, ostracizing them, or being passive aggressive to them.
For instance, you may not be able to make it home for the holidays for a number of reasons. Perhaps work kept you away, you’re in a partnership and decided to go to your partner’s family gathering, or you can’t work up the finances to make it home.
Some Suggestions
Keep in mind that self-validation is going to be incredibly important here. Your reasons for not returning home are likely very valid. It also doesn’t automatically mean that you don’t love your family. When communicating with disgruntled family members who you may even be legitimately missing, I would consider using the broken record skill.
The broken record is where we repeat the same phrase to the person who is upset with us. When we are upset and dysregulated, we have a hard time understanding incoming messages and signals. When that message or signal is consistent, it makes it easier to register and understand. The broken record may sound like this over the phone.
You: “I can’t make it home for the holidays this year mom.”
Mom: “How could you? This time of year is so important! I thought you said you were putting finances together to make it home.”
You: “I was. It just didn’t come together like I was hoping. I really want to visit though. I just can’t afford it.”
Mom: “This is why I told you that you shouldn’t move to Colorado! Now you’re too far away and we’ll never see you again! You just don’t love this family enough!”
You: “I hear that you’re upset. I feel hurt by your words because I actually miss you and love you very much. Please try to understand my perspective.”
Mom: “You just don’t understand! You never understand! You always do this!”
You: “I can hear that you’re still upset. However, I feel hurt by your words because I actually miss you and love you very much. Please try to understand my perspective.”
Mom: “Isn’t there any way you can make it home? You always go to the gym too much. Just cut your membership and come home. Stop buying so much food or going out so much for a while. Your family comes first!”
You: “I know you want me to come home for the holidays. I get that. But, I still feel hurt by your words because I actually miss you and love you very much. Please try to understand my perspective.”
Mom: “I just don’t understand you. I’ve never understood you. I was happy to get married at your age and raise a family, not hunt a career.”
You: “I know that you have different values. But, I feel hurt by your words because I actually miss you and love you very much. Please try to understand my perspective.”
Mom: “I just wish you could come home. I miss you.”
You: “I miss you too mom. I love you.”
I intentionally left this conversation a little unresolved. The mother in this scenario wasn’t willing to admit or apologize for her child’s hurt feelings but she was able to get down to what she wanted and your original point was ultimately conveyed at the end.
The purpose of these skills is not always to immediately resolve the dispute. I care a little less about the other person’s response and care more about how you coped with the situation. Better coping over time usually will lead to better outcomes.
The best part of the broken record is that you can also come back to it after a moment has passed. Let’s say the mother in this scenario blind sided you with the guilt trip and you had no idea how to respond in the moment. You are welcome to come back to it by saying something along the lines of, “remember that phone call we had a few days ago? Well. It bothered me. Can we talk about it?” And then have a broken record locked and loaded in case you need it.
In conclusion, I hope this helps you navigate what can often be a difficult time of the year for many people. As always, if you are needing more conversation around these topics, feel free to give me or another counselor a call to process your thoughts and feelings!